Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003

Just like the salesman who must be sold on his product, so you must be sold on you. As an exercise we suggest at this point you get out a sheet of paper and write a resume of "Why it would be Good to Know Me." Decide if you are really worth knowing. If you reject yourself, how can others accept you?

GET HIGH SELF ESTEEM. Believe you are worthwhile. People with low self esteem are not bad, they just think they are. It is hard to develop high self esteem when you look in the mirror and say Blah. You decide you are undesirable.

How could anyone possibly like shoddy, ineffectual, defective, ugly me? 
Now, if you can learn how to develop high self esteem, that will help a lot. There are many kind, generous, wonderful people who have low self esteem.

However, if you still think you are defective, don't give up. GOOD NEWS. There is someone out there _no matter how rotten, awful, sloppy, wicked, amoral or depraved you think you are someone will accept and appreciate you just the way you are.

When you have low self esteem you are going to statistically need to meet many times as many to find one who accepts you, compared to when you have high self esteem. But you can and will meet someone.

AND NOW THE BAD NEWS: you probably won't like them. Those who will accept a person with low self esteem probably won't be the type you would like. In addition you may feel that anybody who could accept anyone as defective as you feel you are, just isn't worth your respect, etc. If you see yourself as miserable and defective, you will accept and be accepted only by other people who feel they are miserable and defective.

YOU WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HAPPY PEOPLE. Remember the old "Birds of a feather flock together"? If you do get something going with a happy, high self esteem person, you won't reject them; you will sabotage the relationship.

WHO OR WHAT TYPES REJECT YOU? You need to know how high you are on the desirability scale. Others decide how desirable you are by the following clues you give them.
1. APPEARANCE.
a. raw appearance
b. how you dress
c. would they be proud to be seen with you?

2. ATTITUDES. Disposition, very important.

3. HUNG UPS. Distortions.

4. HOW HIGH THE SELF ESTEEM. How much need for approval.

5. IN CHARGE OF THEMSELVES. Not trying to please the world, only themselves.

6. SMILE OR MAGNETIC PERSONALITY.

7. CARRIAGE.

8. SOCIAL POSITION.

9. MONEY, OR LACK OF IT.

10. SEX-HAVE IT TOGETHER.

11. SEX APPEAL.

12. OTHERS DESIRE THEM.

We talk about the pecking order in the singles hen house to help you understand how and where you fit into the dating scene. Your desirability, your attitude and other factors determine where you fit.

In a hen house there is a social pecking order. One hen pecks on all the other hens. The one on the bottom of the order is pecked on by all the other chickens. Those half way up the pecking order peck on certain hens and are pecked on by certain hens. All is quiet in the hen house because everybody knows the pecking order. Throw a new hen in the hen house and there is great fluttering and squawking until the new hen establishes where she fits in the pecking order.

When you first enter the Singles Hen House, you will be under considerable stress because you do not know where you fit in the pecking order. So with some turmoil you go into the Singles Hen House (where other singles are ) and find out where you fit.

If you go out to meet and develop a relationship with the top chicken (most desirable) you may or may not get shot down (rejected). Odds are you will get shot down. So then you try to develop some kind of a relationship with the bottom chicken (least desirable), and chances are you succeed. So then you try further up and further up the desirability level until you start getting shot down regularly. Soon you will have established pretty well what your pecking order is. In some groups, you may be number one chicken, others half way down, etc. You will soon know your capabilities and desirability and going out with singles will no longer be stressful.

Postponing going out and find out how you fit in the single scene just creates anxiety. "Will I ever be accepted by any top chickens?" Will anybody accept me?

Now where you start out in the pecking order is not where you have to stay. You can change it. The important thing to remember is YOU HAVE TO BE REJECTED A LOT TO FIND OUT WHAT YOUR REAL DATING CAPABILITIES ARE. You'll never know where your top capabilities are unless you are rejected a lot. Dating way below your desirability level will certainly cut down on rejection but keeps you from dating the really desirable people you want to date.

You need to practice being rejected so you get a higher percentage of non-rejection higher on the desirability index of datable people. As a rule, you need to keep being rejected at least 25% of the time you are asking for dances, dates, etc. or you are probably dating below your level of capability. No need to ask Sharon Stone to go to coffee, she'll reject me. Try Susie Klutz. IF YOU HARDLY EVER GET REJECTED, YOU ARE NOT DATING UP TO LEVEL.

If you are a salesman selling only the small accounts, nobody wants or competes with you for that business. You don't get turned down much, but you don't get much when you succeed either. To find out where you fit you have to get out there and flutter about and mix with a lot of people to know your real capabilities.

YOU WILL TEND TO FALL IN LOVE WHEN YOU DEVELOP A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU FEEL IS ABOUT AS HIGH ON THE SCALE OR PECKING ORDER AS YOU ARE EVER DOING TO BE ABLE TO DATE.

To get to your maximum capability and date the really good ones you want to date means you need to be rejected a lot to really find that top capability. You will often be amazed how high on the dating desirability list you can date when you can readily accept rejection.

REJECTION SAVES TIME AND FEELINGS. If you don't reject someone you don't care for, you have a problem. If you reject someone and they are upset, they have a problem.
How do you reject someone at a dance, for example, when they pull up a chair and they camp with you. Say, "I came to meet and dance with a lot of different people and when you sit there with me all evening, no one asks me to dance because they feel you and I are getting married (that word scares them). Why don't you catch me for a dance later?"

Another example. They keep calling and asking you out and you give them the typical I'm busy. Wrong. For the right way we recommend what we call a Sandwich_ - three nice positive things about them, The Zinger (limitation), and one more positive. Let's say you have been dating someone and you want to end it.

1. First positive. You and I have had some great times together and I enjoy being with you.

2. Second positive. You are certainly a fun person and have a great sense of humor.

3. Third positive. I have a great deal of respect for you and what you are doing.

4. Zinger. But I have decided that our relationship is not going anywhere and as a result I am going to stop dating you.

5. Last positive. You are one of the nicest people I have ever dated and I would like to always keep you as a friend.

How can they not agree and say yes to that?
Another example is someone says, "I'D LIKE TO HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER." You give him the Dial a Prayer number or your number when you have no intention or desire to ever date them. WRONG. Instead use this: _"You seem like a nice person and probably fun and good to know, but I really can't keep up with the people calling me now. So I am not giving out my number any more for a period of time. It is a compliment you asked. Thank you.

Should you give out your phone number? NO, not unless you can hardly wait til they call or you have nothing else going. SHOULD YOU ACCEPT SOMEONE NOT TOO BAD AND GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING? Yes, you should. You don't have to marry them. Remember author George Bach's thing that 80% of big relationships there was no initial attraction. Get something happening. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Not only practice rejecting but practice accepting and rejecting later after it is apparent it is not up to your expectations. 

Some of us are actually AFRAID OF BEING ACCEPTED; you unwittingly ask for rejection when you are:
Afraid of being hurt again,
Don't want to give up your freedom.
You don't want to try to live up to someone's needs, demands and responsibilities.

Quite often singles come into a group and say, "Let's go, there is no one here" despite the fact that there are 50 people there. They reject everybody. Nobody is good enough. All Creeps. Until I really meet someone special I reject everybody. Eighty per cent of the specials you'll never get to meet that way, according to Bach, because you won't know they are special. Like the artist that says, "Boy, all these scenes are imperfect. Something wrong with them all. I'll never paint until I find the perfect scene." After years and years of looking and looking one day he finally found the perfect scene to paint. What happened? He didn't remember how to paint.

You need to be mingling and practicing with all of us imperfects so if Mr. or Ms. Perfect should come along you will really know how to paint.
WHEN YOUR EMOTIONAL BATTERY IS RUN DOWN, YOU CAN'T HANDLE REJECTION SITUATIONS AS WELL, so if you're at the rundown emotional stage because of divorce, for example, get on to how to charge up your batteries. Date the receptive ones, those really readily interested in you. Find someone who likes you, that you can't fail with. It will help your low self esteem, spark up your battery. Find a lot of great people that like you and your low self esteem gets up to high self esteem.

ONCE YOU KNOW YOU ARE OKAY, whether that's by others or by getting yourself together, then you don't have to have others validate you as okay. Otherwise when they unplug from your battery (and they all will) your emotional battery will be flat again.

You can learn to be real. You don't have to pretend you like camping out or hockey or whatever when you don't. You have time confusion when you are in a low, run down emotional battery state. You think it will always be this way. You want an instant relationship. Your aloneness seems to drag into an eternity. You want everyone to accept you right off. You go out and you get rejected and then you give up. You feel it's better to give up then go out and get rejected again. So you stay home and buy a pussy cat.

YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE WRONG. You need to be and know you will be rejected by nearly everybody but not always everybody. The more you are rejected, the closer you are to getting to the law of averages and those few who do accept you as you are.

YOUR UNREALISTIC REJECTION EXPECTATIONS ARE:
1. EVERYONE SHOULD LIKE ME. That's wrong. Only one of 500 will really accept you.

2. ONCE SOMEBODY ACCEPTS ME THEY SHOULD ACCEPT ME FOREVER. That's wrong. Everything is temporary. To expect otherwise is wrong. People accept you one day at a time. They change, you change. If it lasts one hour, one day, one week, one year, THAT'S GOOD, for however long it lasts.

3. IF I WAS DESIRABLE OR ANY GOOD, PEOPLE WOULDN'T REJECT ME. Because you are usually rejected, you decide you must be no good or defective. Rejection usually has nothing to do with your okayness.

4. BECAUSE THEY REJECTED YOU TODAY, THEY REJECTED YOU FOREVER. Wrong. Rejection is temporary.

5. REJECTION WILL ALWAYS BOTHER ME. Wrong. You can change your programming to where rejection is your friend and you welcome it. If you have read the previous articles, this one and coming installments, practiced rejecting and being rejected, you will soon discover rejection is no longer a problem for you. 

More next issue.